He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
