hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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