Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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