How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
