you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
