I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i now understand why vodka
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
