So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
