she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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