I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
