every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
