Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
