I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
