I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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