so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
