Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
