My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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