Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
