Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
