I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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