so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
