Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
