k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
