She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
