I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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