Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
