My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
