Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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