PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
