Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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