Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
