i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
