Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
