No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
