were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
