the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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