Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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