i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
