turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
ugly people sure do ruin things
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
