So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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