I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
