Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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