And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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