She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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