I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
