I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
