i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
