i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
