just come out here and I will go home with you...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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