Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Come share oat with me in your robe
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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