I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
