I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
