She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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