I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
