i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
