so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
